dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
