my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
