the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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