I have demons in me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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