Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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