On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
