Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
