Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
