turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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