Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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