It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
