He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
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I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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