He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
