I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
