I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
