if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
