Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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