Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Pants are for mortals
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
