We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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