You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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