Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
