I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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