I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
