i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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