weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
