Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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