and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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