I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
