so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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