I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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