Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"