now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
