i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What a dumb baby whore.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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