I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
