I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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