At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I can't trust your balls anymore.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
