I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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