At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
