You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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