she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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