Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
