Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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