Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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