Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
