I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
