So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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