My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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