my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
