I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
