I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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