I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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