i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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